So this is when I usually wrap up my week and express my goals for the next week.
But I am dead tired…probably from going 18 FREAKING miles this week. My body is pretty much hating me right now. I am not sore…just tired.
But to have reached 50 miles….words cannot express how this makes me feel. I am feeling it on so many levels. To have reached 50 miles at all feels like a major accomplishment. Nathan and I were chatting about this morning when I got home and we decided it meant I was 10% of the way there. I am horrible at math so I might be wrong about that…but it sounds right to me.
I am deciding on my next goal. I think it would be pretty amazing to hit 100 miles by the end of February. I have about 21 days until the end of February and I made 50 miles in 21 workouts (23 actual days because I had two days off). That means I would need to keep my current level with no breaks or find a way to kick it up and days that I have extra time so I can have a break now and then.
I am really feeling like I need a day off right now. The last two workouts have been so hard to even push through. I feel like I need a day for my body to recover a little. I was going to take tomorrow off, but Tuesday night Nathan will be late so that would be a more logical day to take off. So I am going to power through one more day tomorrow and take a nice little break on Tuesday.
But I really think that I will make my next goal to reach 100 miles by February 28th. That will take some hard work but I am going to approach it like I am approaching this whole challenge. One step at a time. I need to some new inserts for my shoes so I can work on my jogging a little. I need those inserts to support my right foot because I get shooting nerve pain when I run.
Right now though I am thinking a bath is in order…or maybe just sleep because I am having trouble staying awake right now!
Goal achieved!
Need I say more?!?!
I feel AWESOME!
I have 5 more miles to go and 2 days to do it.
I can’t say that my biking was easy today. Usually I feel ready to go by the next evening when it is time to either bike or walk but today when I started I knew it was going to be a struggle.
I had to really push hard to get my body to cooperate. It was like I was moving in slow motion and I really had to concentrate. I think tomorrow will be the 2 mile walk because I don’t think I can face another 10.5 mile bike just yet. My body is rebelling. But oddly, I feel really good. I have set goals and challenges for myself but never made it. I don’t know why. I guess I just never pushed myself very hard or maybe I just thought I would never make it so why start in the first place.
I have so much negative “talk” in my head about my body and fitness and self image that it typically gets the best of me. I give up before I even start. Then I feel angry at myself and beat myself up about it. Then I would go eat something bad for me “to make it better”. All I was doing was making it worse.
I don’t know why this time is different. But it is. I know I keep writing this same concept over and over just using different words, but you don’t know how in awe of myself I am right now. Its like I am a different person suddenly. Where has this person been my whole life? Why did this person wait until I was 32 to show up? It isn’t like I haven’t had good motivation in the past…you know things like summer and bath suits and my wedding day. I don’t understand why or how this time is different. The feeling I have inside of me is unlike any other feeling.
45 miles. Can you believe that? I certainly can’t. When I started this challenge I fully expected to fail and give up within the first week. And here I am closing in on my 3rd full week of the challenge. I have worked out 19 of the last 21 days! The idea of giving up or failing is the furthest thing from my mind right now. All I can see is my goal of 50 miles…a goal that 21 days ago I had no idea how I was even going to make it that far much less 500 miles. And then after that I will find a new goal. Sunday will be my 21st workout. In 21 workouts I will have made it 50 miles.
I know that it might not seem like a lot to some people. But for me it signifies so many things that I can’t even begin to explain.
Thanks everyone for your continued support. It really means everything to me. I don’t have a workout buddy…but I have so many friends cheering me on. Thank you!
Thanks all for the encouragement for my crazy goal.
I have gone back and forth all day thinking I could do it and then I couldn’t do it and blah blah blah. But every time I saw I had a new comment with someone telling me I should go for it and that I could do it I would think, “you know…I think I could really do this!”
So tonight….3 miles. Biking of course, but that dang bike they have kicks my butt! There is no “cruising speed” on the bike. Either you pedal or it quits going and the wind resistance of the fan make it that much harder. But knowing that I have 8 miles to go to reach 50 miles made me feel awesome.
So I have 3 days left to reach 50 miles.
My plan is:
If I bike two of those days and walk one I can easily reach my goal. Typically I walk two days and bike one. But time is limited and I bike 3 miles and walk 2. (And in case you forgot, for the purpose of the challenge 3.5 bike miles is equivalent to 1 walking/jogging mile. So I go 10.5 bike miles to reach my 3 miles to record.) IT KICKS MY ASS!
So I am really psyched. And it is thanks to all of you who believe in me. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself and that makes me think I can do things. And slowly I am going to break this idea that I can’t do things. That is so empowering! And I won’t ever have to pass along the “I can’t” to my boys! And that is even more awesome!
So I have this crazy idea to try and make 50 miles by Sunday when I post my miles for the week.
I am at 39 miles. That means I have 11 miles to go in 4 days…
I am going to go for it. I might just be a little crazy.
But I really feel motivated to hit 50 miles!
I feel like I haven’t posted much lately. I really just haven’t had much to say. Most of my thoughts have been with my friend and her family. The funeral for the baby girl was yesterday. I was torn between going and not going. In the end it was decided that I wouldn’t go. I sent flowers and a message. I still felt bad that I didn’t go. I have my reasons, none of which I am ready to share and a few of which are slightly horrifying to me.
Other than that we are just living life. Every day the same and yet every day different. Meal time is still a battle EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. with Dean mostly. I am almost ready to chuck it all and just feed him baby food forever because it would save so much time and be easier. Plus I know he is losing weight because I can’t get him to eat and that is even with supplementing with baby food. Nathan says it is just because he is starting to lengthen out but I am convinced it is because he only eats tiny amounts. Everything I read says this is normal and mom says not to worry because he isn’t lethargic and still is the same old Dean. Personally I would be happier if he would eat a little more. So I am giving in on certain things and feeding him more of what I know he will eat. Basically I know he will eat cheese. He never turns away cheese or diced pears or peaches. So they child eats lots of cheese. He eats fish sticks pretty well and sometimes chicken. It really seems to depend on his mood. He still won’t touch any solid veggies. Emory on the other hand pretty much eats anything and everything I put in front of him. He loves all green vegetables and always eats those first. He will even eat pasta now sometimes. Oh…and Dean will eat pizza. Sometimes it amazes me what he will and won’t eat…mostly it just frustrates me.
I can also tell they are starting to understand more. They have understood “no” and “sit” for a long time now. But last night at bath time I asked Dean to come to me so I could get his diaper off and put him in the tub. It took 3 times but he did come to me. The first two times he would laugh and turn around and pretend to leave. But he never did. He was wanting me to chase him and play but when I used my “mommy” voice the third time he toddled over with a smile and received lots of praise for listening to me. Emory is pretty good at handing me things if I ask for them. Sometimes it is easier than other times…especially if he really wants what he is holding. And both boys will spit out whatever is in their mouth now if I put my hand under their mouth and tell them to spit it out. That is VERY nice!
Emory’s favorite toy right now is an empty milk jug. He carries one with him almost all day long. I joked to my mom that he will be left handed simply because he refuses to put down the milk jug in his right hand and resorts to doing things with his left hand. He is also starting to take an interest in scribbling for short periods of time. Dean’s only interest with paper is in putting it in his mouth. I don’t understand why he will eat paper and not food! Only I don’t think he really eats it. He just puts it in his mouth and mushes it around for awhile. I think he will be a gum chewer! Dean loves windows and looking outside. At work there is a window that goes from floor to ceiling and he will stand there for long periods of time (like 15-20 minutes) just watching cars and talking to himself. Oh and licking the window…
Yesterday they wore big boy socks. You know the white kind that aren’t cutesy and from Carter’s. {sigh}
I am still walking and biking. I am sure you have watched the ticker on the side slowly click up my miles. I am up to 37 miles now. It feels good. I am feeling stronger and better about myself.
I can’t believe the 1st month of 2010 is over. At the end of this month the boys turn 18 months old. Wow.
This last Thursday, on the 500 Miles in 2010 blog, Erin wrote a post about setting a date.
A goal date. An actual date on the calendar in which you want to meet a specific goal.
When I read the post my first reaction was “NO! I can’t do that.”
But the idea of setting a date has constantly been in my mind. I go back in forth, wanting to set a date and not wanting to set a date. Mostly I don’t want to and all of my thoughts are negative. I don’t want to set a date because I don’t think I can or will reach my goal. I have set dates in the past and the date would come and go and my goal was unaccomplished. It always made me feel like I had failed. And really, I had failed.
So here I am back at this fear of failure thing. Of thinking that I can’t do something. Of not setting goals and dates because it has never worked before. But today, as I was walking my two miles I started to think seriously about setting a date. I joined this challenge didn’t I, I reasoned to myself. When I first thought about going 500 miles this year I thought I couldn’t do it, but I joined up anyway.
It is time to quit limiting myself and letting my fears beat me. I never want the boys to not pursue a dream or reach for a goal because they are afraid they will fail.
As I thought it all over I thought, “what’s the worst that could happen?” What if I don’t meet my goal? What if instead of losing 10 pounds I only lose 7? Is that really a loss? But what if instead of only losing 10 pounds I lost 12 or 15? What if I exceed my goal?
I set a date.
March 16, 2010
By March 16th I want to lose 10 pounds. That is the day I go for my annual with my OBGYN. I want to step on that scale and have his nurse record a weight that is 10 pounds less than when he saw me in January. I want him to smile and say how glad he is that I have lost weight. I want to tell him all about the challenge and my accomplishments and my goals. I want to walk out of his office without him saying, it would be good if you lost a couple of pounds. He will probably say that anyway because I have much more than 10 to lose in the long run. But I know that if he sees that I have lost weight he will be happy and I will leave feeling good about myself.
So there you have it. My date and my goal. I can do this. I can do this.
Today wraps up my second full week of the challenge. I didn’t meet all of my goals I put forth last week. But I still did good.
This week I spent 205 mins 57 secs walking or biking. That equates to 3 hrs 42 mins and 57 secs. Just about an hour less than last week. I ended up missing two days this week. I missed Thursday because Nathan was working late and I missed yesterday due to monthly reasons. On the positive side to that reason, I was able to start my birth control pills today which will helping prevent month-long bleeding and lessen my symptoms and hopefully next month I won’t miss a day to it.
I did get more water in this week and I feel like it made a difference in my mood and energy levels. I did much better at the beginning of the week than I did at the end so I am going to work on that for the coming week.
I made it 12 miles this week which brings my total miles up to 32 miles. It felt great to ready that 30 mile mark this week.
I did weigh this week on Thursday and was down .7 lbs. But I don’t know what I was weighing when I started the challenge so I have no idea if I have lost more or if I had gained prior to the challenge and I am now losing that. I weighed on our Wii Fit so it records your weight from the last time you had stepped on it. For me, that was before Christmas!
Tonight we are going to take my measurements so I can keep track of those. I know for a fact that I have lost inches since I started the challenge. My clothes are fitting differently which is proof enough for me. But I would like to watch those numbers get smaller as I click off my miles. Every little motivation helps!
Goals for the coming week (week 3)
Continue to increase my water intake, especially towards the end of the week.
Focus on my eating. I know this last week I walked away from snacks on several occasions. By consciously thinking about eating I realized that sometimes I was “mindlessly” eating and that isn’t healthy at all. I have also slacked on the cooking around here because I have been focusing on my walking. This week it is time to get back to cooking.
As for walking/biking this week it should be pretty good. Tomorrow Nathan gets home early (originally we thought he was working late and that I wasn’t going to be able to walk this night, but things were switched around), so I will be walking. Nathan gets home early on Wednesday as well so that will most likely be a biking night for me. Tuesday and Thursday Nathan works late so one of those nights my mom is coming down to sit at the house while I go to her house. So one of those nights will be an off night and one will be a walking night. Friday I am going to take my clothes to work and stop at my parent’s house on the way home from work. We get off early on Fridays and mom can give the boys a snack and they can play or watch an afternoon show while I get in a couple of miles. Then it is the weekend again and I will probably walk or bike in the mornings.
I would still like to bike or walk for an hour on Saturday and Sunday since I have more time. It didn’t happen this week but I am going to try for it this next weekend.
We took the boys to the park a could of weekends ago. The weather was beautiful and we thought they would have some fun. Emory did. Dean…not so much. Dean really needs time to warm up to a new experience and there were lots of other people so we didn’t end up staying long.
Emory, however, experienced sliding for the first time. I didn’t get his first slide or even second slide on camera. But I did get the 3rd and last time of the afternoon. He LOVES sliding and I am sure that once we get the new play set put together in the backyard all he will be doing is sliding!
My heart is broken for someone tonight.
I am sitting here trying to type as tears fall from my eyes.
I found out tonight that a friend I taught with lost her baby girl tonight. She had twins, a boy and a girl, right before Christmas. Today the baby girl passed. They don’t know why. But it doesn’t matter why in the long run. Tonight a family is devastated.
My heart stopped beating when I read the news on facebook. I felt my heart shatter for her. I can not image what she must be feeling and thinking right now. I feel sick to my stomach. All I can think about are my two babies sleeping in their room right now. I want to go in and pick them up and hold them so tight.
This has completely shaken and broken me. There are no words I can say to make things better for her. But I feel like parents of multiples share something special. We have some sort of unspoken bond.
I don’t know what I would do if something happened to one of the boys. When you have twins your life is so wrapped in the twin-ness of it all. To suddenly only have once where there used to be two is something that I don’t know how to comprehend.
I don’t know how I will sleep tonight. I can’t stop crying.
