Something for me

Today was a long day. I went to bed last night with a migraine building and woke up this morning with it still piercing my brain. But we had ITBS testing today and I needed to go. Thank goodness that by lunch time my headache was finally gone and I could focus a little better.

I came home after school to get my camera and head to the volleyball game. I teach most of the girls on the team and they begged me to come. What kind of person would I be to turn down begging? They LOVE me…or maybe just my camera.

I took time to check my mail and found one from my friend who writes Life Is Just So Daily. She and I go back to our days of carefree childhood. When I was in 6th grade and she was in 5th grade her family moved into the home where my grandparents had lived and my mom grew up. We became friends. By high school we were still friends but we ran with different crowds so we grew apart and then we went off to college. We lost touch until her wedding. I wanted to go but I was studying for my master’s comprehensive exams so I couldn’t go. But we started emailing and then I told her about my blog and then she started her own blog…and the rest, as they say, is history. Of course, she gets tons and tons of comments on her blog (jealous? me??? maybe a tiny bit. Who doesn’t want lots of readers and lots of comments!) Anyway, I am rambling on.

So as I was saying, she sent me this email. She found this poem and thought of me. It made me feel so good. I found comfort in the words and realized that I could identify with every word written. I don’t know where she found it so I can’t site the source. And I don’t know who might have written it…but, here it is…

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Now I am not saying that other moms are bad moms because they haven’t had hard times. My mom was great and she didn’t suffer to get us, at least how the poem is talking about. But its words do ring true I think. When I finally do get to have a baby I know that I will be elated beyond normal excitement for being pregnant. There is a girl at work who is pregnant. It was an “accident”. She doesn’t seem too excited. And somewhere deep inside me, that burns. What wouldn’t I give to be in her place.

I hesitated to post that poem. I am afraid that other mother’s will be offended. But I hope that you realize it isn’t about who wins the best mom trophy. It is about so much more than that. Every mom cherishes their child…well…most moms do. But holding my precious little one after all of this heartache and frustration will be so much sweeter and special.

But the part that hit home the most was the last part. The part about my body betraying me. And then the part about succeeding and winning. It gives me hope. But the very last part caused my breathe to catch in my throat and tears to burn my eyes. Going through this struggle has taught me things that no words can teach. When my Carole, my sister in everything except for blood, suffered through losing two babies, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to run because I didn’t know how to help. I couldn’t make it better even though I desperately wanted too. And I said so many stupid things because I just didn’t know any better…because I hadn’t been there. And while our struggles are opposite, they are the same. And while I knew the best thing I could do was listen, I didn’t GET it until I struggled.

So please do not be offended by this poem. It says so much of what I am going through right now that I had to share it. And maybe, just maybe, someone else who is struggling will read this and feel comfort and hope like I did.